Recently a friend recommended a book to me - The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. If you haven't already read it, and are in a committed relationship/marriage then I would say this is one for you.
Through talking to some friends, I discovered that the above material is covered in pre-marital courses, and thus they have implemented what they'd learnt into their everyday lives. If nothing else, it has helped them understand their spouse and given them an insight into how their other half functions. No relationship is perfect, and as much as many couples don't want to admit, we all have our ups and downs. Our in love moments, and those where you want to throw the nearest object at your partner's head.
It happens. It is normal, and it is healthy.
Granted no couple should constantly be at each others throats or storing their divorce lawyer's number on speed dial, but the occasional disagreement and exchange of words a few decibels louder than Gordon Ramsay on a bad day is normal.
Basically, Gary Chapman has discovered five categories of people and after taking the survey on the website, a person is matched to their love language. The five languages are:
Quality Time
Gifts
Physical Touch; and
Acts of Service.
William and I took the survey and found out that we fall into the Words of Affirmation and Quality Time categories respectively. Having read the book and carried out some internet research, it now seems obvious that we behave the way we do and get offended when the other doesn't "get" us. It makes sense.
William prefers to hear words of encouragement and praise as a symbol of my love for him, whilst I prefer spending time with him. Doing anything really. Taking a trip together, going to dinner and a movie, and just generally being in each others company. But don't get me wrong, him watching TV while I am trying to have a conversation with him does not count. I need his undivided attention. Want to rev me up? Fine - just play on your cell phone while I'm asking about your day. Nothing stirs up my inner tiger more than a person being physically but not mentally present.
Because our love languages are different (and it is apparently extremely rare that two parties to a relationship share the same love language) we expect more from the other but don't really want to sacrifice our personal love language to please our partner.
The friend that recommended the book to me is in the exact same situation as I am. Her husband is also a words of affirmation guy, and she was saying how hard she is finding it trying to converse with him in his native language. Not normally a vocal appreciation girl, she is making a conscious effort to remember to compliment him on that new shirt he is wearing. The book lists a few guidelines on how to boost a WoA person's ego, but at the end of the day the compliment has to be an honest reflection of how the spouse feels.Saying it without meaning it is pointless.
This brings me to the other condition: tone. Saying 'Wow, that colour looks amazing on you!' in an appreciative manner is very different to a non committal tone, and instantly your partner knows the compliment is forced or untrue. I suffer from word vomit. Seriously. Words leave my mouth in an unfiltered, thoughtless manner which often causes me to regret them the instant I've spoken them. I say exactly what is on my mind without considering the impact they have on the recipient. It is wrong and something I need to work on. I have been careless in the past and hurt William, which was unintentional, but nevertheless unacceptable. By the same token, I hope that William will learn my love language and begin to interact with me in that manner.
Each party to a relationship is guilty, and I'll say it again, no-one is perfect. We all need to reign ourselves in, stop, and think about how our words and actions affect others. Learn their love language. Meet them halfway.
Having read the book, I highly recommend it to others. Go to the website and take the survey, I guarantee it'll open your mind to a new adventure.
Friends that have already discovered your love languages: what categories do you and your partner fall into? And how did you go about interacting once finding out? I'd love to hear your stories!
this looks interest, will give it a read :)
ReplyDelete